Mary Cipriani-Price, LMFT

Dr. John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for more than 30 years, and is a well-respected leader in the field. Based on his research, he and his wife Julie Schwartz-Gottman have developed a solid understanding of why some relationships last and why some do not.

Myth #1 Affairs cause divorces.

Myth #2 Gender differences cause divorce.

Myth #3 – Communication problems cause marital conflict.

Myth #4 No quid pro quo makes for an unsuccessful marriage.

Here are the Truths!

Truth #1 Positivity in interactions in happy couples is 20 to 1, in conflicted couples is 5 to 1, and in soon-to-divorce couples is .8 to 1.

Truth #2 Marriages tend to end at one of two times – Marriages tend to end at 5-7 years due to high conflict, or at 10-12 years due to the loss of intimacy and connection.

Truth 3 Most problematic issues are not solved, but managed.

According to Dr. William Doherty, Professor at the University of Minnesota, at a Smart Marriages Conference, “An intentional marriage is one where the partners are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building a sense of connection over the years… Because in this era, if we are not intentional, we will become an automatic pilot couple. What I mean is that the natural flow of marriage relationships in contemporary life, with our crammed schedules, endless tasks, kids to care for, and ever-present television and other media is towards less focus on the couple relationship over time, and therefore towards less connection, less spark, and less intimacy. This is not being dysfunctional, this is being normal.” Although normal, it is not healthy for us to emotionally become disconnected to the most important person in our life; this is what causes divorces, not affairs, kids or finances.

A marital ritual is a shared activity that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that has meaning for you as a couple. It can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as it is a regular part of your life that helps you stay connected as a couple. For example, my husband and I like to walk for an hour together every weekend along the beach in Coronado. We also have a ritual of watching Saturday Night Live when he comes home from work on Saturday evenings. The ritual I love the most is when he brings me coffee in bed almost every morning. These might seem small but they keep the connection going and the marital relationship intentional. What do you and your spouse do intentionally?

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health . Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  It is an inescapable core part of our nature to need other people – to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

Dr. John Gottman found most people wait 6 years between realizing their marriage has problems and then seeking counseling. Given this, it makes sense that many people are seeking couples therapy when it is too late to do much about the relationship problems.

It is important to seek help with a therapist that specializes and has extensive training in treating couples. San Diego Institute for Couples and Families is a fantastic place to turn for help. We have found that sometimes it only takes 8 to 20 times to turn a marriage around. Compare that to the cost, financial (average cost is $30,000.00) as well as emotional, of a divorce today.

One of the most important features of successful couple relationships is the quality of the friendship. Do you know your partner’s inner world? Take Dr. John Gottman’s quiz below and find out.

1. I can name my partner’s best friends.

yes

no

2. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.

yes

no

3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.

yes

no

4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.

yes

no

5. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.

yes

no

6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.

yes

no

7. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

yes

no

8. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.

yes

no

9. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.

yes

no

10. My partner really respects me.

yes

no

11. There is fire and passion in this relationship.

yes

no

12. Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.

yes

no

13. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.

yes

no

14. My partner generally likes my personality.

yes

no

15. Our sex life is mostly satisfying.

yes

no

16. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.

yes

no

17. My partner is one of my best friends.

yes

no

18. We just love talking to each other.

yes

no

19. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.

yes

no

20. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.

yes

no

21. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.

yes

no

22. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.

yes

no

Your score:

15 or more yes answers: You have a lot of strength in your relationship. Congratulations!

8 to 14: This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can build upon but there are also some weaknesses that need your attention.

7 or fewer: Your relationship may be in serious trouble. If this concerns you, you probably still value the relationship enough to try to get help.

We at San Diego Institute for Couples and Families are extensively trained to help you get back to being connected to your spouse. To set up an appointment you may email me at mcprice@sdicouples.com.